As I started to write this post, I realized that this issue is very complicated. It’s not as simple as just giving yourself time. There are layers and layers of feelings to sort through. I’m going to break this issue into two parts to try to explain the complexity. First though, let’s assume that you just discovered your partner’s deceit.
A person who has a sexual addiction is very good at hiding their addiction. They have likely hidden it for years, if not decades. You might have had glimpses into their potential problem, but for the most part, they are experts at keeping secrets. Their secret is so closely guarded that they have likely succeeded at keeping it from you for a very long time. They may only choose to look at pornography and/or engage in extramarital behavior while on business trips. Perhaps they keep secret email accounts or have a spare phone. They might stay up very late and engage in watching pornography while you sleep. Meanwhile, they carry on their regular life with you while you believe that they are faithful and devoted only to you. Because of the lengths and extremes that addicted persons go to keep their lies hidden, once found out, the betrayed partner wonders how they can ever trust again. There is no safety in taking that person at their word again, and all the control measures (i.e., Internet content-blockers, restricting smart phones apps, etc.) to keep the betrayed safe provide only a small level of comfort. The betrayed is left asking, “What if it happens to me again? Who is this total stranger I married? Nothing feels normal in my world anymore.” The feeling is so extreme that whether they stay with the partner or not is irrelevant. They wonder if they will ever trust ANYONE again. They even wonder if they can even trust themselves to make good decisions about people. After all, if they chose this person as a partner, maybe they aren’t so good at deciphering who people really are.
These are normal feelings. Actually, any feelings you have are normal. It’s a confusing time. Everyone reacts to betrayal differently. The first thing you must know is that you can trust yourself. The addicted person hid their addiction. You believed what they said about themselves. That is not your fault. You extended vulnerability in a relationship that is defined by honesty. You were robbed. You were lied to. Your partner did not hold to their end of the bargain. If you were faithful and held your end of the bargain, now is not the time to distrust yourself and your discernment of people. Now is not the time to beat yourself up.
Universally though, having trust stripped away by the person who you loved and trusted the most in this world is TRAUMA. There is no textbook response to trauma. You are in a world of pain. You might not want to get out of bed and that is ok. You’re experiencing a post-traumatic stress response. Your first course of action is to take care of yourself. If you have children, this feels impossible, but you must take moments to grieve and cry. Don’t hold it in. Sleep might seem elusive but try to take naps or rest when you can. Exhaustion on top of stress only exacerbates the pain, causing increased levels of the stress hormone cortisol. You need to take care of yourself. Just know, you are not going to re-establish trust in the beginning stages of grief. That is not even the goal at this point. That will come later, whether you stay in the relationship or not. In the beginning, your focus should be on rest and processing information. Journal. Seek counsel. Meditate. Pray. All these things come before even considering trust.
So, back to the question at hand. Will I ever trust again? The answer is yes. In my next post, I’ll continue to peel through the layers.
