Boundaries are Imperative in Betrayal Trauma

I can’t emphasize enough how essential boundaries are to maintain in a relationship that has been strained due to infidelity and betrayal. Some partners whose spouse or partner acted out because of their sexual addiction often worry that setting firm boundaries will cause their spouse to act out again. First, let me note that you aren’t responsible for your partner’s “sobriety.” They’re either all in, halfway in or they’re out. Whatever the case, you holding a boundary and keeping yourself self isn’t going to send them over toward addiction.

What do boundaries look like?

So, what does boundary keeping with a partner struggling with sexual addiction look like? It means that you have a list of non-negotiables that you express and list so your partner is aware of what behavior you won’t tolerate. This could include: you will have filtering software on your devices, you’ll be in counseling with a therapist who specializes in this addiction, you’ll refrain from looking at porn, you’ll be in a group (12-step, support, or work group) to name a few. As long as your partner is engaging in this healthy behavior you might feel better about their seriousness toward their own recovery.

A great resource on boundaries

If you aren’t aware, one great book about boundaries is by Henry Cloud and John Townsend called Boundaries: When to say yes, when to say no to take control of your life. This is a great start for learning what boundaries are. Please note that this is a spiritually-based book that looks at boundaries from a Christian perspective.

If you live in northern Colorado (Fort Collins, Windsor, Greeley, Loveland) and are interested in scheduling a session, call Mending Hearts Counseling at 970-545-1111.

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