We touched upon the first characteristic of Intimacy Anorexia (IA)—busyness—in this post. The second characteristic—blame—is when the person struggling with IA’s first response is to put responsibility on the spouse for any and all problems in the relationship. This will come before they’re willing to accept any blame themselves. It’s much easier for the person who has IA to see the spouse’s contribution to the overall problem. Blame is almost a reflexive action for them.
It’s not uncommon for the spouse to hear things like, “If you wouldn’t have done X, then I wouldn’t have reacted that way.” Or, “You made me so mad that I had to do X.” Such reactions can sometimes make the spouse feel like they’re being reprimanded, almost like a child. It’s also not uncommon for the spouse to never hear an apology for an outburst because they’re made to feel that they themselves brought it on. The key point to remember is that person struggling with IA wants to maintain distance from their spouse. They accomplish this by blaming the spouse. Once the spouse is made aware that this is an actual tactic to avoid intimacy, they’re able to better understand that they’re not actually to blame.
If this feels like a familiar characteristic in your marriage, visit here to read the full characteristics of IA. If you live in the Fort Collins, Greeley, Windsor, or Loveland area, you can receive counseling help today.
